My Immortal Host Club
by the arsonist
Summary: Hi, my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Haruhi Fujioka Raven Way, and I have short brown hair with red tips and purple streaks and warm brown eyes that reflect the dark gothicness of my soul. A parody of the infamous My Immortal fanfic
1. Chapter 1

My Immortal Host Club

By Kat and Nicole

Author's Notes: We were really fucking high on Ramune strawberry soda when we wrote this. We were high off endorphins when we came up with the idea. PREPS STOP FLAMMIN MY FIC HATERZ FUKKIN PREPS. This fanfic is the complete and utter bastard child of a great anime series and a infamous fanfic gone horribly awry. Enjoy.

Hi, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Haruhi Fujioka Raven Way, and I have short brown hair (that's how I got my name) with red tips and purple streaks and warm brown eyes that reflect the dark gothicness of my soul. A lot of people tell me I look like a boy, but I just laugh and stick my middle finger up at them. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was, because he's a total fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight because I don't eat sweets. I have pale white skin. I'm also attending a really preppy and fancy school called Ouran Academy which is filled with a bunch of fucking preps and poseurs who are not gothic. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there when I'm not buying commoner's coffee. For example, today I was wearing a blazer that used to be light blue but I dyed it black and a shirt that used to be but I dyed it blood red with a tie that used to be black and purple so I just left it that way. My pants were black and my shoes were black too with little skulls on them. I had black eyeliner on and black eyeshadow and I was wearing black lipstick too. I was not wearing white foundation because I am already pale.

I was walking outside the Ouran Academy when I saw some preps. It was snowing and raining, and there was no sun so I felt good. The preps stared at me. I put my middle finger up at them. "Rich bastards."

"Welcome, commoner, to our world of wealth and beauty!" someone said. I looked up. It was…Tamaki Suoh!

"Who the hell are you?" I said.

"I am Tamaki Suoh," he said gothically.

But then, the bell for class rang and I had to go away.

XXXXX

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin that I bought at the Economy Secondhand store and drank some commoner's blood from a black cup. My coffin was not black ebony, it was just plain plywood with a pentagram chiseled into the top with crowbar. I got out of my coffin and put on a dress that used to be yellow but is now black and tights that were once white but are now black fishnets. My shoes were black already, and they had Good Charlotte written on them.

My father, Ranka, woke up and then grinned at me. He flipped his long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened his deep brown eyes. He put on his Marilyn Manson teeshirt with a black mini, and some fishnets and pointy high-heel boots. We put on our makeup, which was black lipstick with white foundation and black eyeliner.

"Sources tell me that you were talking to Tamaki Suoh yesterday. OMFG!" he said excitedly.

"W-what? Who told you that, Dad?!" I said, blushing.

"What are your intentions in talking to him?" he asked as he walked me to the front doors of the Ouran Academy.

"I don't even know him!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Tamaki walked up to me.

"Welcome!" he said.

"Uh…hello." I replied.

"Guess what?" he said.

"What." I replied.

"You broke a really expensive vase and now you owe eight million yen to the Host Club," he said.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. "When the hell did this happen?"

"Oh! Sorry…I meant, Good Charlotte are having a concert in the gardens."

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. Good Charlotte was my favorite band, aside from My Chemical Romance.

"It would my honor if you would attend with me," he said, extending his hand for me to take.

I gasped. I ignored his hand.

XXXXX

On the night of the concert, I put on my blue denim shorts which had been dyed black and I had ripped up and my Good Charlotte black teeshirt with fishnets and black lace-up boots. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, because I didn't have any money, so I slit my wrist. I read Les Miserables while I waited for it to stop bleeding, and I listened to some GC. I could not afford nail polish so I did not paint my nails, but if I were to paint them they would have been black. I put on TONS of eyeliner though. I didn't put on any foundation because I was poor. I drank some red Kool-Aid because I was too poor to afford blood.

I went outside. Tamaki was waiting for me in front of his fly car. He was wearing a dress shirt that said Good Charlotte on it with some baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner. (He had a lot more money than me.)

"Hi Tamaki!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hello, Ebony," he said back. We walked into his black Mercedes-Benz. It hurt. Then we got into his black Mercedes-Benz (his license plate said RICHERTHANU666. I wondered how he was able to get more letters than were allotted on license plates, but then I remembered he was rich and could do whatever he wanted.) On the way we listened to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We drank some commoner's coffee and ate some commoner's ramen. There was crack in the coffee and cocaine in the ramen because it was common.

We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage before people started yelling at us for driving a car into the middle of a mosh pit. We ignored them and jumped up and down in the car as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I do not possess the rights to this song).

"All I wanted to do was go grocery shopping." I said to Tamaki, ignoring the band onstage.

Suddenly, Tamaki looked sad. He turned black and white and his whole image was simplified. He moved into the corner of the car and began to grow mushrooms.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, still moshing in the car to the music. Then, I think I caught on but I can't be sure.

"Hey, don't be like that. It could be worse." I said.

"Really?" asked Tamaki all wibbly-like and tried to put his arm around me protectively but I pushed it away.

"Really." I said. "Besides, I could have really broken that vase you were talking about and then I would have had to spend all my time with you." I said, thinking of the misery I would be in if that happened.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Tamaki, although he still had mushrooms by the time we left. After the concert, we drank some more commoner's coffee and drove back over the dead bodies in the mosh pit that were from us driving in there in the first place. We got GC concert tees. Tamaki got his signed but I did not because I am poor. Tamaki did not drive us back to my house, he drove us to………..the hedge maze!

XXXXX

"TAMAKI!" I shouted. "What the heck are you doing? This isn't the way to my house!"

Tamaki did not answer but he had that kaiwaii glint in his eye that anime characters get when they think of something really clever to do. You know that one that I'm talking about, from that one scene in that one show…yeah. He stopped the car, and walked out of it, but then walked back in because he forgot to turn it off. I walked out too, after I opened the door, and closed it behind me. Tamaki had to walk back and close the door because he forgot to do that too.

"What the fucking hell!" I said angrily.

"Ebony?" he said.

"What." I snapped.

Tamaki leaned in extra close and I could see his purple eyes (he was not wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing stuff and sorrow and a lot of time spent in corners in black and white animation and then suddenly I didn't feel so mad anymore.

And then……suddenly Tamaki kissed me passionately. Tamaki climbed on top of me but had to get off because we were still standing and he is taller than me so it was awkward turtle. So we decided to lean up against a tree keenly and gothically. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra…wait, I was not wearing one because I am too poor and flat-chested for it to be economically necessary. Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and I told him that he could not put his car keys in my pocket so he took them out. Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed.

"Call me Daddy!" he screamed.

I was beginning to get what I thought was an orgasm, but then I remembered I was too poor to afford one. We started to kiss everywhere but then Tamaki started kissing trees and dirt and flowers and rocks and hedges which hurt him. My pale body got all warm, which was lucky because it was about 30 degrees from all the tandem raining and snowing.

And then…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?"

It was……………..Honey-senpai!

XXXXX


	2. Chapter 2

My Immortal Host Club, chapter 2

By Kat and Nicole

(Author's Note:

XXXXXX

Honey-senpai made Tamaki and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily, which was probably the result of him not getting any cake today.

"You silly bugs!" he shouted. It was hard to take Honey-senpai seriously, because he was so cute and adorable and short.

But it didn't stop me from crying tears of red Kool-Aid down my face (because I am too poor to cry tears of blood). Tamaki tried to comfort me but I didn't want his idea of "comforting". When we got back to the Academy, Mori-senpai and Hikaru were waiting for us. Hikaru was looking kind of angry, which could be because Kaoru was not there, but Mori just looked blank, as always.

"I caught these two having sexual intercourse in the hedge garden!" Honey-senpai yelled in a cute voice that was trying to be a furious voice.

"Fancy tuna," Mori-senpai said, not changing his expression. He didn't seem to catch on to what Honey-senpai had said at all.

"Why would you do that? Can't you afford a hotel room?" Hikaru demanded.

And then Tamaki shrieked, complete with a swelling orchestra and a doily background that materialized out of nowhere. "BECAUSE DADDY LOVES HIS LITTLE HARUHI TO PIECES!"

Everyone was quiet. The background faded. The orchestra died off. It probably had something to do with Tamaki's justification of his love for me, or something like that. Then again, Mori-senpai was always quiet, so it wasn't that big of a deal for him to be quiet at all.

Honey-senpai and Hikaru still looked a little mad, but Mori-senpai's face hadn't changed during the entire exchange. Finally, Hikaru said, "Alright then. Take her home."

Tamaki and I walked to his fly car while the others stared after us.

"Are you alright, my precious daughter?" Tamaki asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied. I walked home and three hours later, I got there. I went into my room after walking in the front door and brushed my hair. It was almost impossible, seeing as I put a lot of hairgel in it earlier. I decided to just leave it the way it was and put on a nightgown that was black and had Simple Plan on it with little skulls and pink lace. When I came out of the bathroom…Tamaki was there.

He was standing there in front of the bathroom, just singing "I Just Wanna Live" by Good Charlotte, but I cut him off by punching him the face out of sheer fright of seeing him in my bedroom. He fell to the ground, immediately rendered unconscious from my blow, and then I stepped over him and went to my coffin and fell asleep.

XXXXX

The next day, I woke up in my coffin. I put on my black pants and my shirt that was once white but is now purple with My Chemical Romance written on it and my blazer that was once light blue but is now black. I didn't put on any earrings because I was too poor to afford them. I spray-painted my hair with purple because I mistook it for hairspray. Now I have even more ridiculous hair. Great.

At school, in the library, I ate some Count Chocula until the librarian informed me that I could not eat in the library. Also, she did not understand why I had red Kool-Aid instead of milk in my cereal. She threw me out.

I was sitting outside of the library with my Count Chocula and my red Kool-Aid when someone bumped into me, spilling my Kool-Aid all over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. Whoever it was sighed. "There's no need to shout, I'm right here," they said, and upon viewing who it was, I regretted yelling in the first place. I was looking into the pale white face of a boy who doesn't get a lot of time out in the sun. He had a pair of glasses on which barely hid his dark gothic black eyes (perhaps he had dyed them) and so much eyeliner that it was running down his face. There was no scar on his forehead, which I don't know why I need to mention it, but there was a pentagram there scrawled in pink lipstick instead. He had no manly stubble on his chin. He had no sexy English accent. He looked nothing like Joel Madden but he was still so sexy that I got the equivalent of an erection until I realized I was too poor to have one. You sickos.

"Oh my. I'm so sorry," he replied in a calm voice.

"That's alright, I guess. What's your name?" I questioned him.

"My name is Harr—excuse me. My name is Kyouya Ohtori, although most people call me Hypotensive Evil Lord nowadays. Or you can just call me Mommy."

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because Hypotensive Evil Lord takes too long to type," he replied smoothly whilst breaking the fourth wall without a flaw. "Also, I love the taste of blood and the misery of others, just like all mothers do."

"Well, I am a vampire, I guess," I confessed.

"Oh really," he replied. I don't think he believed me. Rather, it was a weird transition in conversation, so I can't really blame him.

"Yeah!" I roared, making him wince.

"Really. There's no need to get loud here."

We sat down and talked for a while. Then Tamaki pounced on me and dragged me off before I could give Kyouya a proper farewell.

XXXXX

Tamaki held my hand as we walked, because you really can't say that I was holding his hand because that would be silly. We went upstairs into one of the hallways near the third music room. I wasn't wearing nail polish, but Tamaki was wearing black nail polish with little red Satans on them. Satan was smiling and giving the thumbs-up. I think maybe Tamaki missed the point of having Satan on his fingernails.

I waved to the Hypotensive—fuck this. I waved to Mommy. He looked kind of sad. Then again, he never really looks happy so I don't have anything to compare his face to. He could have been in a really good and happy mood but I would never be able to tell.

We went into the third music room and locked the door behind us. Then………..

We started making out passively. That didn't work out so well. We then started making out actively, which was better, I guess. He felt me up before taking off my top, but he was super disappointed because there was nothing there to feel up in the first place. I didn't have a bra to take off so that saved on time, and you know how I am about saving things. Except for my virginity.

Tamaki took of his pants. We went over to the fancy couch and starting making out naked-like and then he put his boy's thingy in mine but that was weird seeing as I don't have a boy's thingie so whatever is the female equivalent of that. Yeah.

Then, we HAD SEX.

"Oh Daddy, Daddy!" I screamed while trying to obtain the commoner's equivalent of an orgasm. We call it "coupons". Or "unicorns". Depends on what kind of drugs you've had today.

All of a sudden, I saw a tattoo on Tamaki's shoulder. It was one of those really cheap water tattoos, but it was a clipboard with black roses and blood on it and written on it were the words…….Mommy!

I was so angry. I guess.

"You bastard!" I yelled, jumping off the couch after pushing Tamaki onto the floor. I accidentally trod on his face when I did it, but I was so pissed off I didn't give a flip.

"No, my darling Haruhi! You don't understand!" Tamaki pleaded. But I knew too much. That's why I was an honors student on a scholarship to Ouran Academy. It kind of came with the territory.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have the rich equivalent of AIDS anyways, because you see, rich people can't get AIDS, I guess!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then I stomped out. I hit my face on the door because I forgot to open it. I struggled with the door for a couple of minutes before realizing that we had locked it earlier, so I tried to unlock it but Tamaki had the key. So I had to walk back to the couch and ask him for the key, which he handed over and then I walked to the door and unlocked it. Then I walked out.

Tamaki ran out after me, even though he was naked. It was awkward, but then again, it made a lot of other female students very very happy and fulfilled, I guess. Tamaki had a really big….mouth, which he was using to yell off after me, but I was too mad to care. I went to go find Mommy, who was hanging out with Hikaru for some strange reason.

"MOMMY OHTORI, YOU DADDYFUCKER!" I yelled.

XXXXX

Everyone all around stared at us. It was only natural, seeing as I had just shouted a giant expletive at a seemingly innocent boy while being chased by a naked boy who had now entered the room behind me. He was begging about something to do with "my precious Haruhi" and "Daddy still loves you" and "Mommy's a slut" or something like that.

"My darling daughter, it's not what you think!" Tamaki wailed sadly, starting to revert to his monochromatic appearance of woe.

My friend, Bloody Renge, smiled at me understandably, I guess. She flipped her long waist-length gothic black hair over her shoulder and adjusted the black boy in her hair that had a skull on it with Linkin Park on the bow part. She opened her blue eyes because she was cosplaying Amy Lee. She also had pale skin which she was wearing white makeup on. Renge was kidnapped as a child but then the kidnappers returned her because she was loud and obnoxious. Her real parents are cosplayers but no one knows which ones. There are a lot of cosplayers in the world. Also, it also turns out that her real last name is Smith and not Houshakuji because Houshakuji is a fucking ridiculous pain to spell.

"What's going on?" Hikaru asked, cocking his head lightly. He seemed a little interested, mostly because it had to do with gossip and naked men. I ignored him.

"Mommy, I can't believe you cheated on me with Daddy!" I shouted at Kyouya.

Everyone gasped.

"…oh, oops, sorry. Let me try that again. Daddy, I can't believe YOU cheated on me with Mommy!" I shouted again, pointing at Tamaki.

_[Brief Interlude – Tamaki's POV]_

_Why is my darling Haruhi so mad at me? All I wanted to do as her loving father was to protect her! And perhaps get some while I'm at it! I had gone with Mommy before, but he had trampled on my heart and beaten it to death with his icy cold clipboard for a heart. I mean, I'm just speaking metaphorically, but I believe with all my being that he really would have done that to me if he could have! He dumped me because he liked sarcasm more than he liked me! Sarcasm! That fucking prep! We were just friends now. He had gone through some traumatic things, and now he was gothic. Or at least, I tried to make him that way whenever we saw eachother. That pentagram? I drew it. It looks so beautiful!_

_[/interlude]_

"Relax," Mommy stated calmly, pushing his glasses up further upon his nose. "Mommy and Daddy are no longer involved."

"Yeah right! Fuck all of you guys!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the hedge garden which had magically become closer to the building that that night when Tamaki and I did it in there. I started to cry tears of Kool-Aid in there.


End file.
